Tenebrous Rex

14 December 2006

I am a tornado

I have a tendency to get so anxious and nervous and filled with dread, that I stir the shit a bit too vigorously and only make matters worse. This is my obsessive behavior. I get all worked up and feel the need to apply a salve to everything that in my compulsive tornado I don’t stop to look around at what I’m actually doing. I’m not making things better; I’m making them worse. I need for everyone to be happy so bad that I make myself unhappy in the process and thus produce an outcome that is opposite of my intensions. I desperately need to come out of my funk if I am going to hold on to the relationships that mean the most to me.

I fear that in my attempt to make everything right, I've made everything wrong.

This is the adult equivalent of the "Christmas Breakdown" I used to have as a kid. A couple of weeks before Christmas I would become standoffish, unmanageable and mean. I would push my mother, who loved me, away. I’d get so worried about what I was going to get for Christmas that the anticipation would keep me awake at night and literally send me into an uncontrollable fit of tears. To my eight-year-old mind the presure was just too much.

Honestly, and that was over GI JOES!

I need to just relax, let it all play out, and remember that I only have this problem because I love these people and these people love me. And that, above all, will carry us through the tough stuff.

As my Mom told me a long time ago: It either doesn't come at all, or it all comes at once. And that's just the way life is.

Problems

Yesterday we streched it as far as it would go. We streched it so far I'm worried it will never go back to it's original shape. We almost ended it, until we realized that neither one of us wanted to. We each thought we were ruining the other's life, when in fact, it could not be further from the truth. We need to work at it, but I believe -- her and I -- we'll get there.

Now, everything else is going to get streched.

Again, anyone who tells you relationships aren't work is trying to sell you something. Everything worthwhile takes work. I will work on it -- I will work on it with everyone -- but I need time.

What is Child's Play?

Since 2003, gamers have banded together through registered Seattle-based charity, Child's Play. Over a million dollars in donations of toys, games, books and cash for sick kids in children's hospitals across North America and the world have been collected since our inception.

We collect no administrative fees or other charges, 100% of all gifts and donations go directly to our partner hospitals, to help make life a little brighter for a sick child.

This year, we have continued expanding across the country and the globe. With over 25 partner hospitals and more arriving every month, you can be sure to find one from the map above that needs your help! You can choose to purchase requested items from their online retailer wish lists, or make a cash donation that helps out Child's Play hospitals everywhere. Any items purchased through Amazon or DStore will be shipped directly to your hospital of choice, please be sure to select their shipping address rather than your own.

When gamers give back, it makes a difference!

This is a charity I dontate to every year since I was made aware of it in 2004. Last year I didn't have much money, but a mere 10 dollars for crayola markers and some coloring books I'm sure made someone happy. Please see the link above or in my sidebar for further details.

My girlfriend pwns my <3

I don't care, call me gay. And yeah, we get in our share of fights and disagreements, but at the end of the day, this is the kind of thing she does for me. This was my anniversary present from Jess.

:)

I love you honey.

You don't take jokes seriously do you?

Then why would you ever take this man seriously? I mean, seriously. ;)

All you have to do is think about why he didn't put TV on that list and the evidence is clear. Because he is on TV, and thus would make himself out to be a hypocrite. Never mind the fact that his show is in pod cast (ipod) format on his WEBSITE that you have to view on a "machine."

How many of the "computer geeks" that he chastises do you suppose he actually employs to run his operation, and how much do you think he pays them? Obviously we aren't all unemployable Billy boy.

Jokes are funny.

Bouts of dizziness and instability.

A rose made of icing so full of sugar it made my eyes water at the first bite. Pumpkin picking. A pumpkin the size of a whale penis. Pumpkin carving. Lost. A new timing-belt. Car repairs. Halloween and the Eastern State Penitentiary. Haunted house V.I.P. treatment. How it’s scarier when people aren’t there jumping out and scaring you. The picture I took of her in front of that red-bricked wall where she’s smiling and perfect. Her grabbing my arm so tightly I could feel nothing else. A wedding party gathered around the Rocky sculpture. The old couple we met who directed us to the best hamburger in the city. The ride home with her asleep and me singing to myself a song about elbows. A woot-off. A missed random bag of crap. A new TV. A new bed. The butt-shelf. Ikea hotdog meals: two dogs, fries and a drink. Swedish meatballs and Italian spaghettios. The Great Furniture Search of 2006. A new TV-stand. Riding Ikea carts down warehouse isles. A new wall-shelf. Tea lights. Bamboo rocks. Getting rid of old things and making room for new. Redecorating together. Selling things on craigslist. Dropping the word “pwnd” on a “straight.” Clandestine lunch breaks. Referring to her as “The Mrs.” and being called a fag. Buying a stuffed animal/monster for a dollar and knowing it will be worth more than that to her. Fighting about things that don’t matter. Surprise powdered Donettes at work. Fingers pressing plastic buttons on a toy guitar in the basement of an old friend's house. Forgiving. Forgetting. Silhouetted in the illuminant phosphors of a cathode-ray-tube. Fingers pressing plastic buttons in a new friends apartment, rocking out trying to compete not against each other but against lag compensation. Taking a new way home. Crying on the way to work. Feeling like I’m losing touch with people. Growing old. Growing up. Growing new hair, losing old hair. Getting out of debt. Working on the new website. Face scrubies. Helping my mom clean out and get rid of my old darkroom. Being told that my job description has evolved but not supplying me with a raise or the tools that have evolved it. A sushi reunion we thought would never happen. Eating and smiling and laughing over a Boston-Roll or two. Playing videogames in bed. Co-op Lego Star Wars! Boba Fett's Lego Jets! My indoctrination into Xbox Live. Feeling really, really, really colorblind trying to play Hexic. Turning the tides in a war against the locust horde for an afternoon, back to back with someone I haven’t seen in forever and will always call my brother. Reuniting. Sending FedEx packages to places twenty minutes away. New friends. A woot-off. A missed random bag of crap. Clandestine lunch breaks. Reno 911. Early Thanksgiving and shopping with my grandmother, my mom, and my girlfriend. My grandmother’s confession to my girlfriend that she knows she’s being naïve in thinking she’ll live forever. Being ninety-one and wanting an HDTV and a DVD player. The looks you get when you’re sitting in someone else’s wheelchair. A trip to the grocery store for “soft” things. Sitting in the waiting room of an oral surgeon’s office where I brushed with greatness, humbled and meek I met the real-life Dr. Tran. Blood on the breath. Feeling helpless. Bouts of dizziness and instability. Playing Gears on the projector split screen. Watching my roommate die 3,784 times on the Rainbow 6 demo. A busted headlight. A passed emissions test. The pros and cons of kids, vs. no kids. Mouthy ouchies. The possibility of leaving early on Thanksgiving eve. Feeling a strange feeling I haven’t felt in a long time: Actually looking forward to a holiday. Accidentally typing a “g” on the end of pumpkin. Pumpking.

Behold! The great unboxing!

So um, yeah. Jess and I did like this crazy thing. We like got a dope ass TV. It's FUCKING AWESOME!!! Oh and we totally have a better stand for it now, and we've given Dennis back his coffee table.