07 April 2005

Since it's coming up

I thought I'd post something I wrote about my experience at Otakon last year. That and I haven't posted anything in a few days and I really dont feel like writing anything new... I hope it gets everybody geared up for this year. I can't freakin' wait!

I still don't know where Jon got that hat. It just appeared on his head durring a drunken episode. Maybe that's what affords him his super powers. I must attain such a wonderous cap this year. BTW, that's me in that pic, next to Jon, with the pack of hot-dogs on my neck.



Quit your job. Go to Otakon. Wake up early.

At roughly 9:00am in the morning on July 30th the “geek-bomb” that was Otakon had long since gone off. Leaving only strangely dressed teenagers and adults in its wake. Speaking in words only they themselves understand, discussing videogames and cartoons with passion matched only by that of the Christian church, their line stretched around the entire convention center. It looked like the line at McDonald’s after fat-camp let out for the summer. Only with more geeks.

Quit your job. Go to Otakon. Have sword envy.

Forget about your penis. The bigger your fake sword is, the more Tifas you’ll have on your shoulder. I think the largest sword there had to be about 15 feet, and man, if I was gay or a girl, that woulda made me hot, let me tell you. But I’m neither and I still felt something. Shock. Jon and I literally just walked around for hours taking it all in. After all, I think the saying is: The bigger the sword the more your dumbass has to carry around all fucking day.

Quit your job. Go to Otakon. Take pictures.

Who you are at Otakon is not who you are in the rest of the world. This goes for everyone except the 50 year-old-fat-balding men. They can’t help but be themselves. Creepy. Their flashes go off every five seconds, drooling over some half dressed girl who’s supposed to be, Aeris, or Tifa, or a DOA fighter, or, whoever. Yeah these guys are the same ones you see in the adult section of the video store. Hentai. Tentacle sex. You know the type. He’s going home to his mom’s basement and he’s making a shrine. He’s putting it together with glue. His own personal blend.

Quit your job. Go to Otakon. Get your ass handed to you.

In a sea of video-gamers there can be only one. And know this, that one isn’t gonna be you. The one is a 13 year-old kid who’s handle is Wicked, or l337ninja. He’s cleaning the floor with your corpse as a mop. Master Chief is his bitch. He’s talking smack and you can’t do jack shit about it. This is the part where we all feel old.

Quit your job. Go to Otakon. Pay three-fifty for a hotdog.

I’m telling you there is nothing quite like watching your favorite anime character, overweight, powering down a hotdog or two. That is worth 50 dollars in its self. The way the spandex just barely covers his round belly; it’s not so much a costume as it is anatomy class. Mustard running down his fingers, I must have watched as Inuyasha put away 3 in under two minutes. ESPN needs to come here next year.

Quit your job. Go to Otakon. Make mixed drinks in the bathroom.

We had all the parts. We snuck it in and assembled it in the bathroom. No one was the wiser. Well, there was that one guy but he didn’t say anything. Thank God. We drink while we cuss at videogame screens. The punch line to the joke was: there’re twenty of ‘em. We had to explain it to an 18 year-old if I remember correctly. And yeah, kids can’t play Halo on vodka. Well neither can I apparently.

Quit your job. Go to Otakon. Make friends in a Hentai theater.

Learning about Yuri and Yaoi in a darkened theater, intoxicated, laughing loudly, and screaming at your lung's top, is possibly one of the greatest experiences of one’s life. But as for the kid in front of you, yeah, he’s not so lucky. The way he complained you woulda thought his ears were bleeding. Hey, maybe they were.

Quit your job. Go to Otakon. Have the time of your life.

Hang out with the coolest people at the Con and don’t take it all so seriously. Be the kings. Get drunk, fight a bouncer, fall on your ass, dance around to cool DJ beats, accost people. Get lost in the dealer room, watch some horrible music videos, make a lot of fun.

Quit your job. Go to Otakon. Repeat.


Jon said...

Damn, I'd forgotten about the Yuri and the Yaoi. I'll have to check a few of them out so I can hold my own in conversations thereupon.

Oh, btw...


Paul said...

oh HELL yeah!

Paul said...

Actually Jon, I don't know how you could have forgotten about "MOR-TAL KOM-BAT!!!!"

I swear, just thinking about it makes laugh uncontrollably.

Jon said...

MORTAL KOMBAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It has to happen.

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