Fear is a sickness.

I talk a lot of shit on here. I realize that. I talk a lot of big shit about getting motivated and being someone better than who I am. I talk shit all day about being a better person for the choices I've made and how I'm stronger for it. Little, meaningful observations and activities that make me a more alive person. I've talked shit my entire life.

In the end, fear is like a crippling illness. The truth is, I haven't been creative in a while and I have no one to blame but myself. If I don't start doing something about it, I will die in this job.

When I was in art school I had a problem with finishing my work. My portfolio was -- and still is -- full of unfinished works. One day, my drawing professor came over to my easel and told me if I never finished anything it would always be perfect. It's perfect because of what it has the potential to be. It's perfect because I never took the chance on fucking it up. She asked me what I was so afraid of.

Ten years later and those words mean more to me now than they ever did standing in a dingy, dark art class staring at some unfinished still-life.

It's true, if it's unfinished it can never be properly critiqued. I always have the "out" that it's not finished. I can put the excuse machine on auto-pilot and not ever finish anything. I'm good at that.

Thirty years on this planet and what do I have to show for it? A life full of beginnings. It's always perfect in the beginning. The beginning is the easy part.

Doctors today would tell me I don't finish things because I lack the attention span to do so. I have A.D.D. or A.D.H.D. or some other variant people make up to categorize and medicate what is essentially fear. That's what's holding me back, that's what it is. That's what holds us all back. Fear.

I'm having an odd day this morning. The office is different. People are talkative and jovial for a change. Maybe it's the weather. The winter cocoons are being shed.

This morning a guy I barely know came back into my office. Young guy, my age or a little older. He started talking about a documentary he wanted to start making. He asked me what the best route to go about that would be, what equipment he would need. Editing, shooting. What kind of camera to use and such.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. AM. I. WAITING. FOR?

Tomorrow the XL1s goes up for sale and as soon as it's sold I'm getting a new, smaller, easier to manage camera and I'm going to start shooting EVERYTHING. I don't care what it is, I don't care if it's just pretty landscapes. I don't care if it's boring or makes no sense. I don't care if it sucks. I. DON'T. CARE.

I need to stop being afraid of failure.
I need to start finishing something for once in my life.

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♥ Japan! ♥

After the last couple of weeks, going in and out with personal shit and ups and downs with the people in my life -- it feels really good to be able to write about something happy.

So, yeah, Jess and I bought a ticket to Japan over the weekend. I'm really, FINALLY going!

We're gonna stay here, in the Roppongi district. It's said to be a happenin' spot with happenin' night-life. Scary new lands! Exciting! I've been saving up for this trip two years now. It feels good to have put my money where my mouth is. I'll bring everyone back some souvenirs!

This also marks the first time in my thirty years of life that I will be leaving the country. I've said it before and I'll say it again. I just need to go.

Also, Jess and I said screw-it a few weeks ago and bought tickets and airfare to PAX in Seattle. We'll just be poor for a little while longer. I'm sure it'll be a weekend of pure nerding fun. I've always wanted to go and since E3 is all but extinct, this is the closest I think I'll get to a video-game convention.

July and August can NOT get here fast enough. Stone Cold Sciced!

This is going to be a year of travel. Both her and I have been saving for a while. You'd be amazed how much money one can save by not going out and spending eighty bucks at a bar Fridays and Saturdays. She's also been working a ton of O.T. and I've been trying to take on every little job I can. We've made interpersonal sacrifices, both of us, but in the end I believe it will be worth it.

On a non-related note: I'm four-hundred dollars away from having another bill paid off! And a year and a half early, I might add. After this, I will have two credit cards left and a student loan.

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Campus Shootings

I can't really add to this, so I'll just post it up.

In tragedy's aftermath, a call for reason
COMMENTARY
By Siva Vaidhyanathan

It's no one's fault a crazy person went crazy, sometimes things just happen for the worst.

With Jack Thompson, Dr. Phil and others jumping all over video games and movies as culprits, we need to remind ourselves that people have been killing people since way before movies and video games. If only there were more people in the media like this Siva Vaidhyanathan.

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Happy Aplha Zero...

Easter Plus Extreme.

Sometimes we go overboard and make our own wrapping paper for our gifts. Here is mine. Not really an Easter theme but amusing as only an inside joke can be.

You can thank Jess for this one, as I'm sure it will be forever burned into your nightmares. And in case you can't tell, that's me on the left and the original on the right. Good lord it's creepy! (Click for the full version)

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Yesterday, I, ran.

Sometimes when it's all caving in the only thing that makes you feel better is running. Note that I didn't type "running away." There is a difference there. One solves something, the other solves nothing.

I read a lot of blogs where people seem content living in a state of wallowing self-hatred. Fuck that. Do something with yourself. You're not dead.

I ran the parkway out front of my apartment. I only got through not even a mile before my body told me to stop. It's been about a year since I put running shoe to concrete and boy did it ever show. My lungs felt like they had committed a most reprehensible sin and were sent to die forever in the eternal hellfire of hades while still entombed in my chest.

Yeah. It hurt. But, you know what? It's that hurt only self betterment can put you through. The kind of pain you feel when you know you're doing something that makes you happier instead of more of the same.

I'm at a mean one hundred and ninety-three pounds, that's the heaviest I've been in about six years. Once I capped out at two hundred and twenty el-bees and told myself enough was enough. I've vowed to never, ever get there again.

Lately I've found I'm repeating old habits and I'm well on my way to that paramount of weight through the wanton sea-maiden call of inactivity.

I went on a diet then and I can do it again. No, I probably wont get back down to one hundred and sixty-nine pounds, but you know what? I'M THIRTY! So fuck it! But I have to be happier with my self-image and sitting in front of the 360 for four hours before Jess gets home is not making me feel better about myself.

It's the perpetual pain of self improvement. I don't look forward to it -- I'll be honest -- but it's not like my increasing gamerscore is doing wonders for my self-esteem.

This is all leading up the point where I say, I'm reinstating my gym membership. I'm going to sign up and go to the gym with my buddy Bone. This needs to happen. He put a bug in my brain about an exercise regiment, and I think we need to take it a step further. Maybe forming a pact, complete with a sweaty man-handshake and everything.

We're both not happy with the state of our physical being and until we can either upgrade to new models or download to the Resurrection Ship, Gold's Gym will have to do.

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Yippie-kye-ay Mister Falcon!

So yeah, the car died. It's gonna cost me $1200 roughly, and cross our fingers that there is no engine damage. So far so good.

Fucking timing belt, I JUST had the timing belt replaced and while I'm not 100% convinced this isn't the shop's fault, I'm kinda stuck now.

Yeah, so apparently there is something called a tensioner that holds the timing belt in place. I went into the shop and had them show me. They said THAT is what failed and when it did, it snapped my brand new timing belt. I'm still not satisfied with the answer but I feel better about it than I did yesterday. They still wont come down on the price but at least I'm getting another timing belt for free. Guess they felt they could throw me a bone.

Bottom line, this should never have happened. I don't understand why you'd replace the timing belt and not the thing that holds it in place. Well, it's all getting replaced now. Timing belt, tensioner, pulleys, waterpump. Everything that touches the timing belt is being replaced. Let's just hope there was no damage done to the engine when the thing snapped.

Whatever. Fuck cars.

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