24 April 2007

Fear is a sickness.



I talk a lot of shit on here. I realize that. I talk a lot of big shit about getting motivated and being someone better than who I am. I talk shit all day about being a better person for the choices I've made and how I'm stronger for it. Little, meaningful observations and activities that make me a more alive person. I've talked shit my entire life.

In the end, fear is like a crippling illness. The truth is, I haven't been creative in a while and I have no one to blame but myself. If I don't start doing something about it, I will die in this job.

When I was in art school I had a problem with finishing my work. My portfolio was -- and still is -- full of unfinished works. One day, my drawing professor came over to my easel and told me if I never finished anything it would always be perfect. It's perfect because of what it has the potential to be. It's perfect because I never took the chance on fucking it up. She asked me what I was so afraid of.

Ten years later and those words mean more to me now than they ever did standing in a dingy, dark art class staring at some unfinished still-life.

It's true, if it's unfinished it can never be properly critiqued. I always have the "out" that it's not finished. I can put the excuse machine on auto-pilot and not ever finish anything. I'm good at that.

Thirty years on this planet and what do I have to show for it? A life full of beginnings. It's always perfect in the beginning. The beginning is the easy part.

Doctors today would tell me I don't finish things because I lack the attention span to do so. I have A.D.D. or A.D.H.D. or some other variant people make up to categorize and medicate what is essentially fear. That's what's holding me back, that's what it is. That's what holds us all back. Fear.

I'm having an odd day this morning. The office is different. People are talkative and jovial for a change. Maybe it's the weather. The winter cocoons are being shed.

This morning a guy I barely know came back into my office. Young guy, my age or a little older. He started talking about a documentary he wanted to start making. He asked me what the best route to go about that would be, what equipment he would need. Editing, shooting. What kind of camera to use and such.

WHAT. THE. FUCK. AM. I. WAITING. FOR?

Tomorrow the XL1s goes up for sale and as soon as it's sold I'm getting a new, smaller, easier to manage camera and I'm going to start shooting EVERYTHING. I don't care what it is, I don't care if it's just pretty landscapes. I don't care if it's boring or makes no sense. I don't care if it sucks. I. DON'T. CARE.

I need to stop being afraid of failure.
I need to start finishing something for once in my life.

2 comments:

Momster Squad said...

You don't have ADD or ADHD. You've never had any problem paying attention to something that interested you. Life isn't art school, it's actually better. No teachers to please, no prescribed assignments to satisfy. No grades except that grading system in your own head. So offer to help this guy with his documentary. You need to be around stimulating people to remain stimulated. You've become complacent. There will always be a hundred reasons why you can't and only one reason to do it. You love it and you need it to feel whole. The only time I've ever known you to be truly happy is when you are creating something. Please jump back in the game, we've been waiting a long time to see what comes next.

Paul said...

he really wants to do it on his own, and i respect that. If he asks me for help though, i won't turn him down.

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