14 December 2006

I am a tornado

I have a tendency to get so anxious and nervous and filled with dread, that I stir the shit a bit too vigorously and only make matters worse. This is my obsessive behavior. I get all worked up and feel the need to apply a salve to everything that in my compulsive tornado I don’t stop to look around at what I’m actually doing. I’m not making things better; I’m making them worse. I need for everyone to be happy so bad that I make myself unhappy in the process and thus produce an outcome that is opposite of my intensions. I desperately need to come out of my funk if I am going to hold on to the relationships that mean the most to me.

I fear that in my attempt to make everything right, I've made everything wrong.

This is the adult equivalent of the "Christmas Breakdown" I used to have as a kid. A couple of weeks before Christmas I would become standoffish, unmanageable and mean. I would push my mother, who loved me, away. I’d get so worried about what I was going to get for Christmas that the anticipation would keep me awake at night and literally send me into an uncontrollable fit of tears. To my eight-year-old mind the presure was just too much.

Honestly, and that was over GI JOES!

I need to just relax, let it all play out, and remember that I only have this problem because I love these people and these people love me. And that, above all, will carry us through the tough stuff.

As my Mom told me a long time ago: It either doesn't come at all, or it all comes at once. And that's just the way life is.


Jon said...

You should come up and hang out. We can play Rayman and drink egg nog.

DARTH MA said...


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