09 November 2007

Pack it up, we're done here.

The planet has officially gone retarded. Below you will find Exhibits A, B and C in defense of my point.

Exhibit A:

No, you're not on acid this early in the morning, this is a screen-shot from the new Transformers Animated Series. Optimus Prime is indeed shaped like a transient from Muscle Beach and Bumblebee has been confirmed to be the Yellow Power Ranger. And what the crap is that big-ass green thing? I mean, are we really catering to this, the lowest of all common denominators? He's a fat robot for crying out loud. I can hear the groaners now.

Optimus Prime to Fat Robot:
"Have another energon-cube, fatobot!"

Fat Robot in comedic robot clown voice:
"I'm not fat, I'm big endo-skeletoned"

It's comic GOLD, it practically writes it's self!

Exhibit B:

Honestly, I'm speechless. I mean, seriously, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? Everything about the above clip is watered down non-sense. The animation, the voices, the THEME SONG -- all of it wreaks of laziness. This is the same animation style as seen in sub-par wanna-be-anime style shows on the Cartoon Network like Teen Titans. No, scratch that, Teen Titans is years beyond this trash. I mean, who the hell thought this was a good idea? Also, can someone explain to me why robots have freaking TEETH?

Exhibit C:

Click that image above for more images. Be prepared though, have the knife ready. Let me know when you've clicked. Done? Okay, so what you want to do is: stab yourself in the left eye, then stab yourself in the right eye as quickly as possible. This will ensure that you no longer have the privilege of seeing your childhood sodomized before your eyes. Though, I guess if you're still reading this, you either have a braille monitor or you didn't follow my advice. Thats fine. Let's continue.

So, he's got a shield and an axe now? Seriously, a SHIELD and an AXE? What are these, medieval robots? The dude is supposed to be made out of metal, what the hell does he need a shield for? And a shield made from the same material as HIS OWN BODY no less.

Also: notice how Optimus (I shuddered when I typed that) has no hard corners or edges. Notice how he's smooth and made of plastic. This is so little retarded Jimmy can't hurt himself. This is just one of the ways uptight soccer moms are ruining the planet. When I was a kid our Transformers were made out of the same material as our playground slides. FUCKING METAL! They weighed as much as a brick, and let me tell you something Suzie, those bastards made a dent if they ever connected with your forehead. And we were tougher for it. We didn't whine like babies when we got a skinned knee -- and you know why? Because our toys could fucking KILL US!

Take away the possibility of harm, take away the danger, take away the fun. It's as simple as that.

Damn it, I just used the phrase: "When I was a kid..." See what you made me do!

Let's just, move on.

Exhibit D:

For comparison purposes, here's the REAL Prime that sits on my desk. Enjoy your watered down, no taste, no fun world you idiots.

I'll be stabbing myself in the face if anyone needs me.


Mavlock The Midnightman said...

Amen Brother Paul!
I still got scars from my superman days as a kid. SCARS!!!!

On a lighter note, today's word verification: "fairork".

I don't feel that needs a punch line.

momster said...

Laughing so hard I'm crying at my desk right now!

Bill Bird said...

My Tonka truck did kil me a few times. Still wish I had it. I'd use it to move dirt in my back yard!! Hay Paul contact me I have a project I was wondering if you'd be interested. It's simple, for simple people like me, but I need a genius to work on it.

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