21 June 2005

Out there

I almost did something really stupid tonight and the old me came out. The old me who thinks everyone is out to hurt him. I don't much care for the old self, he rarely rears his head these days. It was odd to see him tonight. It reminded me how much I didn't miss him.

I'm fearful he overstayed his welcome and may have done something irreversible. And for what? Because I dont get to see her enough? That's something easily fixed. All that takes is time, something I'm in short measure of lately. But that's no excuse for how I acted.

That's what happens when you put yourself out there. The first gut punch can buffet you right over. Out on that ledge, the wind in your face so hard you can't breathe. It's fear and you know it, but still you fight, when inside who you really want to fight is yourself.

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