So, today, the CEO of the company Jess works for announced that after firing 50+ employees, they would be buying a Wii to boost morale.
It makes perfect sense.
Hello, Stacey? Hi, this is Steve, from accounting? Yeah, hi. I'm fine. Listen, my Mii isn't mingling with Barbara's Mii. You know, Barbara, our receptionist? Right, I know, but it's upsetting and making for a very hostile work environment. Yes, I realize that. Isn't there anything you can do though? No, I haven't checked my network settings, what would that have to do with it? Yes, I've tried turning it off and on again. LOOK! I've ALREADY called I.T., they told me this was an H.R. problem!
In the future I envision, there's a vast wasteland of abandoned blogs. Words written in the throws of emotion and too soon forgotten. Empty. The way we think of a wild-west ghost-town in an old spaghetti western. A dried husk, haunted with old, dark, whispered secrets.
The clack of thunder and the smell of an electric-storm heavy on the horizon.
The planet has officially gone retarded. Below you will find Exhibits A, B and C in defense of my point.
Exhibit A:
No, you're not on acid this early in the morning, this is a screen-shot from the new Transformers Animated Series. Optimus Prime is indeed shaped like a transient from Muscle Beach and Bumblebee has been confirmed to be the Yellow Power Ranger. And what the crap is that big-ass green thing? I mean, are we really catering to this, the lowest of all common denominators? He's a fat robot for crying out loud. I can hear the groaners now.
Optimus Prime to Fat Robot: "Have another energon-cube, fatobot!"
Fat Robot in comedic robot clown voice: "I'm not fat, I'm big endo-skeletoned"
It's comic GOLD, it practically writes it's self!
Exhibit B:
Honestly, I'm speechless. I mean, seriously, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? Everything about the above clip is watered down non-sense. The animation, the voices, the THEME SONG -- all of it wreaks of laziness. This is the same animation style as seen in sub-par wanna-be-anime style shows on the Cartoon Network like Teen Titans. No, scratch that, Teen Titans is years beyond this trash. I mean, who the hell thought this was a good idea? Also, can someone explain to me why robots have freaking TEETH?
Exhibit C:
Click that image above for more images. Be prepared though, have the knife ready. Let me know when you've clicked. Done? Okay, so what you want to do is: stab yourself in the left eye, then stab yourself in the right eye as quickly as possible. This will ensure that you no longer have the privilege of seeing your childhood sodomized before your eyes. Though, I guess if you're still reading this, you either have a braille monitor or you didn't follow my advice. Thats fine. Let's continue.
So, he's got a shield and an axe now? Seriously, a SHIELD and an AXE? What are these, medieval robots? The dude is supposed to be made out of metal, what the hell does he need a shield for? And a shield made from the same material as HIS OWN BODY no less.
Also: notice how Optimus (I shuddered when I typed that) has no hard corners or edges. Notice how he's smooth and made of plastic. This is so little retarded Jimmy can't hurt himself. This is just one of the ways uptight soccer moms are ruining the planet. When I was a kid our Transformers were made out of the same material as our playground slides. FUCKING METAL! They weighed as much as a brick, and let me tell you something Suzie, those bastards made a dent if they ever connected with your forehead. And we were tougher for it. We didn't whine like babies when we got a skinned knee -- and you know why? Because our toys could fucking KILL US!
Take away the possibility of harm, take away the danger, take away the fun. It's as simple as that.
Damn it, I just used the phrase: "When I was a kid..." See what you made me do!
Let's just, move on.
Exhibit D:
For comparison purposes, here's the REAL Prime that sits on my desk. Enjoy your watered down, no taste, no fun world you idiots.
I'll be stabbing myself in the face if anyone needs me.
of this whale, I might as well make it livable in here.
Like a lab-rat who escaped the maze for a day, I know what the outside looks like. I've been there and have tales to tell. I know how large the world can be and how small you can feel in it's presence. I'm better for it, but it makes the yearn to go back that much more unbearable. Hard to say which is worse: never having been, or having been and being unable to go back.
It's just one of the ways I'm different now. Whenever it rains, I miss Japan.
In Tokyo, it rained the entire time. Walking down shiny rain-soaked streets unable to read the signs along the way -- we would make our way to different destinations. A shrine. A mall. A ramen house. An electronics district. A street bazaar. Breakfast.
I found myself sitting in traffic this morning, watching the rain fall on my windshield. Thinking about when we were at that shrine in Kyoto, and how we bought that clear umbrella for 200 yen, and how I watched the rain through it's transparent shell. How we walked with that tour on that gray day in July and sat on a rain soaked wooden bench and shared a shaved ice. How perfect it was, and how we didn't even realize it.
I swear to God, I almost turned around, picked you up, and drove to the airport. I almost bought two one-way tickets. I almost didn't look back.
Co-Op Legendary on the Tsavo Highway Posted by Tenebrous ReX at 10/18/2007 7:43 AM PDT Jess, Rick and I played some Co-Op Legendary down the Tsavo Highway on Monday night while the mongoloids were watching their footballs.
On Sunday -- during a short round of Halo 3 -- Jess' 360 was KIA. True Spartans are never listed as such, however, let's call a spade a spade and move forward. The last suit she'll ever wear should be arriving post-haste.
We mourned her death in a celebration of life, while gunning down brutes in the late hours of Monday evening. Through split-screen on the box in the bedroom we joined Rick via LIVE and were off and gunning (see what I did there?) before we knew it.
The tasks set up through the Legendary difficulty are only surmountable for us in a co-op experience. I'm sure that goes for most. With a quick check through the bungie.net ranks -- for the most part, if you're playing Legendary, you're not playing it alone. And here's the reason: it's hard.
Taking out the three tanks mid-level proved especially difficult, since, you know, there are freaking THREE of them. But it wasn't that area which took us the longest to derive a victory. Sometimes, all it takes is one well-positioned cannon to turn the tides, and for us -- at 8:30pm Monday evening -- it was as if we were stuck in a Halo purgatory for about 45 minutes.
Die. Re-spawn. Rinse. Repeat.
Jess and I stormed a single tank as it crested the horizon. Surrounded by brutes on all sides, armed with deadly accuracy, rocket launchers and brute shots -- it seemed we were bested. With Rick holding up a sniping position and spawn point from a safe distance it took us a good many deaths and plasma grenades to finally come out victorious.
As the dust settled, it was hard to tell who struck the finishing blow. It didn't matter to us. There was a war on and we had more battles to fight. We mounted up a beaten-down Warthog and rode into the distance, following the sound of gunfire until the sun set.
Why we started our Legendary tour of duty with that level, I'll never know.
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