19 October 2005

Milestones in the fold

These days my entire life unfolds like an origami crane. It all started with a plain sheet of rice paper, and now, even though the material is the same, it's something much more complex. These days it seems I'm forced to examine each fold, each step that brought me closer to what I now resemble. This is about deconstructing. This is about things that happened a long time ago.

In the ocean, a shark has to be constantly moving in order to stay alive. I have to remember that. I have to keep moving.

The last couple of weeks, it's like someone upstairs pushed the fuck-his-shit-up button. The range of emotions I've gone through have completely run the gamut. Black, white, shades of gray, you name it, chances are I've felt it and dealt with it. My life wasn't perfect, don't get me wrong, but things were going, smoothly. I was forgetting what I learned a long time ago.

Don't ever get too comfortable.

They say: that which does not kill you, only makes you stronger. Well, I should be approaching critical-mass sometime soon. On present course I'll be getting super powers next week. I can't fucking wait.

I say: that thing, the one that makes you stronger, it usually does get you in the end. It rings true about your past, it's never completely gone.

I think by now everyone knows what happened between Kelly and I. I'll spare you all the re-cap, I'm sure I'll be blogging about it for a good while anyways. This isn't about that. This is about the past, remember? It's only because these things all happened in the same week that they're being lumped together.

They also say: when a door closes, a window opens. Well, I wasn't expecting this window to open. This fourteen year old window I apparently forgot to lock.

So what happens when someone you've hated for fourteen years pops back into your life and apologizes? Someone who was your best friend for a long time, who just up and vanished one day. Taking with him an assortment from your mother's jewelry box. And what happens if you had that person wrongfully accused the entire time? For fourteen years! This person has been the beneficiary of most of your anger and hurt. This person who was your best friend and one day up and vanished, taking with him everything you ever trusted or thought was sacred. Friendship, honesty, truth, they're all just words. What if -- come to find out -- you've been hating the wrong person all along?

Well, this happens. It starts about 13 posts down and just gets deeper and deeper.

Yesterday, everyone who checked those comments had a front row seat in the theater of my past. This is shit I haven't thought about for years. A wound that was sutured a long time ago only to be rent open again. Made fresh.

Don't get me wrong, we were kids, we all were. Kids do stupid shit, I know that. But this is an event that haunted me my entire life. I never stopped thinking about it. A milestone. If someone I called friend -- a friend above all other friends -- could do this to me, then what's the world worth?

That was the day I grew up, and for a time, I stopped trusting everyone. Don't ever get too comfortable, I'd always say.

After that -- for what seemed like forever to a fourteen year old -- I didn't have friends. I didn't go out of my way to even make new friends. Sometimes its a dangerous thing to be left alone with only your subconscious to guide you. Your mind can wander, you can get caught up in thoughts of revenge. I was really hurt.

It's funny, we had this great friendship, him and I, but now I strain to remember anything but him leaving and the events that lead up to that departure. I can't for the life of me remember the good times. They're just not there. I'm sure at one point they existed but I just can't recall them with any solidity. They're overshadowed, shaded out.

It looks like he's got some kids now and is into all the same things I am. It's funny how fourteen years can go by with great distance between two people and somehow -- through experiences they shared together -- they come out alike. I just wish I could remember some of the good ones.

I really want to forgive him now, I do. I really want to like him, but I know I can never trust him, ever. It's just not in me to do so. I know my limits and I'll never set myself up for that fall ever again.

I have to keep moving.

These are the folds that shape us into who we are. The things under our skin no one sees, forming us. We're malleable under the pressure of our own experiences. We're folded. We all are.

2 comments:

Mavlock The Midnightman said...

Somewhere inside I knew I was blamed for the jewelery. Then later someone told me, and I said to myself, "Wow, he'd never believe me if I told him, I should just stay away and let him move on.".

The day I vanished happened for stupid reasons, things I will always wonder WTF I was thinking.

That day though, that day your mom showed up on my front door, her eyes full of tears. I thought it was about he stunt I pulled with my dad, but it turned out to be about the jewelery. I was blown away, but I realized why she asked. It broke my heart to see her like that, you guys meant so much to me and I just shit all over it with my stunt.

Then I continued to screw it up by just disappearing. I was just in state of shock, how could I have sunk this low? I show up to school at random, then on my birthday they say "Happy birthday, your out!". My dad says get a job or get out. He was just mad, he would not have ever kicked me out. I was stupid kid, and I left. Took the worse person I knew with me.

That was a long time ago, and I never got over this. I never got over our friendship. I dont blame you for never trusting me again, that was some straight up monkey shit to leave hanging like that.

If you need to me drop away I can do that as well. I don't want to bring anything pain back on you man, you deserve so much more.

I really am sorry for all that has happened, for the mark I left. I am sorry these things never truely went away. I am sorry you can't remember the good times.

Alright I am not sure what else I can say without putting my foot in my mouth. Glad to see who you have become man, and I cant wait to see where you go.

I always knew you'd be good with a camera after that class, totally kicked my ass.

Take care.

-Till Tomorrow, I live today.

Paul's Mom said...

This is directed to Martin. I cannot begin to tell you what I went through. Because of you and Kevin I ended up accusing a man I was dating of stealing my jewelry. The police were called and he was investigated. He was innocent and I was mortified when I found out it was you and Kevin all along. I have since apologized to that person and he was very grateful that I did so and did not hold the accusation against me.
Let me say this to you Martin. I knew you had a crappy home life and I tried to make my home a safe and comfortable place for you to come and hang out. I treated you the same as I treated Paul, maybe even a bit better because of your circumstances. I paid your way when we went places together because I knew you didn't have the money. I was a single mother just managing to get by, no child support coming in but I wanted you to have something good in your life that you could count on, a place where you were always welcome. I know you were 14 and your head obviously wasn't screwed on straight at the time. But you did know the difference between right and wrong and you made a choice. I don't accept that you did not have some part in the theft of my jewelry and some old coin proof sets because you were the one who knew where we kept everything. If Kevin took it, someone had to tell him about the stuff we had, show him where it was. When I found out you had disappeared I informed the police that it was most likely you who had been involved in the theft of my things. The police investigated and told me you had gone to Florida with Kevin and that your train tickets were purchased with a credit card stolen from one of your neighbor's dresser drawers. A neighbor whose house you were in frequently. So please don't tell me you were unaware of everything. Kevin no doubt deceived you to some degree I'm sure. He was a slick cookie, older than you and more manipulative. But deep down I think you knew.
I appreciate that you are owning up to at least some part of this old nightmare. Better late than never. And I certainly hope you have been able to overcome your very unhappy childhood. I hope you have learned from all this and that you are raising your kids to be responsible for their lives and their decisions. Be a good Dad and teach them how to be strong in the face of adversity, how to tell the truth even when they're terrified of the consequences, and to take responsibility for their mistakes instead of blaming others. Teach them how to conduct themselves with integrity and live by a set of principles that will make them feel good about themselves. And set the example yourself. You really broke Paul's and my hearts and we have never been able to trust anyone since as blindly as we trusted you. It wasn't just "stuff" that you took from us. I hope you can see that. I appreciate the opportunity to finally say to you what I never got to say. If you are truly sorry, which I believe you are, then I forgive you. But trusting you is another matter.